I’ve always felt that I keep wasting days of my life because I am indecisive. I’m always playing it safe. For the most part it has saved me from a lot of things.
But it has cut me away from great opportunities. Now I’m stuck in this vicious cycle. A rubber bubble where I beat against it, and while it feels like I’m pushing outwards–it then stretches back and I’m bounded back to the center.
Falling down again to another state of depression with a sense of failure.
Why am I stuck in a basic entry level menial job where I’m an scrutinized by an asshole boss over stupid shit? I’m told I deserve better, but I’m at a loss at what to do. I jump from one place to another, and it’s never the place that I truly want to be.
I had the chance before, I felt like I was moving in the direction I wanted… and then I blew it. I became so depressed over the same thing, and then in the end, it’s all my fault in the end.
I know what I want, but I don’t know how to get there. Rather, I know what to do, but it looks too difficult. I see what I want is too difficult and I end up window-shopping the lives of others; strutting and living the live that constantly dream to live.
I have to stop. This has to end. I’m tried of this. One day, this constant misery I feel will end up destroying me from the inside out. I know for a fact that a human being was not put on this earth to suffer.
We live in a constant pursuit of happiness..
And I cannot continue to push aside my sense of happiness. I will not force myself anymore to do things I don’t want to do. I’m done. I cannot care anymore if such is a bad thing to do. Not care what is responsible or not. That hasn’t gotten me anywhere.
I’m going to take the risks I fear in the direction that I dream of. And I will tear the shit out of that fuckin fear that is always pushing me down.