I’ve decided….

I’ve always felt that I keep wasting days of my life because I am indecisive. I’m always playing it safe. For the most part it has saved me from a lot of things.

But it has cut me away from great opportunities. Now I’m stuck in this vicious cycle. A rubber bubble where I beat against it, and while it feels like I’m pushing outwards–it then stretches back and I’m bounded back to the center.

Stuck.

Falling down again to another state of depression with a sense of failure.

Why am I stuck in a basic entry level menial job where I’m an scrutinized by an asshole boss over stupid shit? I’m told I deserve better, but I’m at a loss at what to do. I jump from one place to another, and it’s never the place that I truly want to be.

I had the chance before, I felt like I was moving in the direction I wanted… and then I blew it. I became so depressed over the same thing, and then in the end, it’s all my fault in the end.

I know what I want, but I don’t know how to get there. Rather, I know what to do, but it looks too difficult. I see what I want is too difficult and I end up window-shopping the lives of others; strutting and living the live that constantly dream to live.

I have to stop. This has to end. I’m tried of this. One day, this constant misery I feel will end up destroying me from the inside out. I know for a fact that a human being was not put on this earth to suffer.

We live in a constant pursuit of happiness..

And I cannot continue to push aside my sense of happiness. I will not force myself anymore to do things I don’t want to do. I’m done. I cannot care anymore if such is a bad thing to do. Not care what is responsible or not. That hasn’t gotten me anywhere.

I’ve decided.

I’m going to take the risks I fear in the direction that I dream of. And I will tear the shit out of that fuckin fear that is always pushing me down.

 

 

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