Things you thought you got rid of but are still there….

Lately I’ve been actively watching a lot of anime. Well simply because this season of anime is just fuckin awesome and seriously there are so many good on going titles out and I’m just like obsessing over two new fandoms and just want to draw fanart but I’m procrastinating and I would rather work on my commissions and and WELL! You kinda get my drift with the run on sentence there….

So, getting to my point, I was in the middle of season four of World Only God Knows, when this happens:

world only god knows imageThere are moments in which the anime turns around and talks to me. It happens sometimes in just a second. And in one sentence it hit me as something that I have known at the same time I hadn’t known.

I have a wild imagination, and in a heartbeat I weave the basis of what can be a very good story. In days I can come up with a cast and everything. But most of the time, it just gathers up into a binder and then gets put aside. And as the years go by my times between working on them gets less and less.

I’ve felt that I have grown more confident with my talent and with what I can do. My artwork has improved greatly, and I’ve felt I’ve gained more confidence because of that. I have much more literary understanding. I can pick out what is good writing and what is not. I know how to fix around my own writing…. but…

I’ve keep telling myself that I am proud of my work… but I’m not.

I lack confidence. Whatever I do, I can’t take that feeling away.

I fight and fight, and try to tell myself my stuff is good… but I lose every time. However I don’t realize that I lose because I don’t want to give up. I tell myself that I’m proud of my work because I don’t see myself not doing this. I want to keep working on my pathetic creations. It’s the only thing that gives me happiness. More than money more than anything…

I sometimes wonder since I draw with the anime-style, why people don’t take my works seriously. Perhaps if I drew with the western comic style or cartoon style—maybe I wouldn’t get those looks when they see my drawings. The looks and the words that go along the lines of, “…oh you draw that kind of art…”

It makes me wonder if they are being racist in saying that it’s all the “Chinese stuff” because they don’t even bother differentiating what is Chinese and what is Japanese. Animation is animation. It really doesn’t matter. Cartoons are cartoons, they just come from different places.

I don’t find why it would be weird to combine cartoon with anime. It’s done all the time if you look at it. Anime was inspired by Disney animation. Really there isn’t much difference. It’s just it comes from different country.

I sometimes feel that the day I fell in love with anime was the day I doomed myself to be a loser for all eternity.

And as for my writing… I just seem trust my writing even less over time. That side of me that doesn’t speak doesn’t have any confidence of my writing or my stories. There was a recent time of a writer’s block that I had to repeat to myself positive things to get myself to use a pen again.

I sometimes wonder if my stories going to stay in my head forever. If I’m going to just jot down stuff and talk about a book I will never complete.

I’ve felt that I finally have confidence in my stories… but I don’t.

The truth of the matter is, I don’t have confidence at all.

I tell myself otherwise, but that feeling doesn’t leave at all.

I hate myself for feeling this way…

These are just one of the things that you thought you got rid of, but are still there. Indeed, when can I truly say that I’m proud of my work and my talent without that tiny voice in the back saying, “No you’re not…” Or is a voice that will stay in the back of my head for the rest of my life? Sitting beside me like Dexter’s Dark Passenger? If that’s the case, I have to continue fighting it along with other doubts and insecurities that haunt me…

Sometimes I feel so annoyed to be myself.


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